Goodbye my Almost Lover

No wonder something felt weird the moment I woke up this morning. This day marks the first 365 days we, or I, or you, ended everything. Up until now, it confuses the heck out of me. Everything I thought that would last for some time ended so quickly. As a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, I would always picture us together as a happy couple that would end up in a whirlwind of euphoric memories down to our grey-ing hair. I guess that’s not how things work nowadays and I should take a reality pill. Maybe you leaving me was rather a big lesson. I don’t blame you for leaving me during my finals where I cringe every night for thesis and all that shit. That was a good thing, really! No sarcasm. That made me quite angry hence pulling up a thick face to my professors and answering every damn question they throw at me… even if it’s irrelevent. Also, I learned it’s not good to binge drink liquor. I know, how cliché of me trying to get drunk over someone. Classic. But seriously, I don’t get why I acted that way. You know i’m not a fan of drinking! And you know my first drunk story. We laughed our butts out that night. I thought that first drunk moment of my life was the epic one, well dude, I have a new one to tell. And NO! I am not going to share it here. It’s  embarassing more than the latter.

I thought after the day you left, I was making progress of not feeling any pain. I was fucking wrong. It was those days wherein I find myself incomplete without you. The “good morning texts, in between flings, sharing of experiences and late night calls” we shared together everyday was the hardest to forget. Maybe you’re thinking how shallow of me to be even writing this. The thing is, even if it was just a fling, a something, or call it anything you want. I know with all my heart all those non-sense convos about foods, movies, silent stares, bashing a certain city in Luzon and whatnots meant a thing. I cherished everything since day one and wouldn’t have it any other way. I love that you’re a down to earth person, knows how to compromise and has dreams in life. Albeit i’m not a part of those dreams, I’m still happy for you! I love how you would stop by my hotel room and dance from afar just to give me assurance it was really you. You would send me silly selfies and copy emoji expressions. You would constantly shoot me “corny” love pick up lines and you told me you’re not used to that, but for me, you will give it a shot.  It was the things I miss the most. Maybe that’s the thing I liked about you, your spontaneity and inner kid raining on my parade. Maybe I liked you because you made me somewhat get out of my comfort zone. By the way, Sorry for not dancing with you on Valentines. There’s nothing wrong with you, I’m just not good with dancing. I don’t want that perfect moment to be ruined. I know you’ll say ‘it doesn’t matter’ but me dancing is like a fish out of water.

“Maybe I love too much 
and maybe I show it too little.
-R.M. Drake”

Maybe being left out two times made me hide in my comfort zone. Afraid of letting it all go and take risks. You see, i’m the kind of person who plans out things before actually working it out. Taking a risk is something I am not comfortable with. Thus, I execute small deadly booby traps along our way to know if you are actually serious with me or not. Lo behold, the result didn’t end up as I thought it would be. You have leaving issues too, and I didn’t considered that. All I ever secured are my feelings. Maybe I was used to being the one understood all the time. The one who never steps up the game. I was the one who never even gave you ‘good morning’ messages since day one. I never appreciated your efforts. And I regret that. But I don’t ever regret meeting you. You gave me something that made me want to fly and see the world. You taught me how to stand up for myself and grow as a person. Hey, I even jumped a cliff even though i’m afraid of heights and falling! I tried my all to be the best version of me. I even travelled more often the past year and this year. I became more independent. I met new people along the way too. But why do I keep coming back to you?  Now I know, I didn’t treat that closure as a closure. I was stuck in the imagination of you that someday you will send me a message saying you were wrong all along and be sorry and shit and i’ll be welcoming you back with open arms. To be honest, every time I post something online and gain a couple of likes I always check if you liked. Wanna know more? I always check my follow count and look you up if you unfollowed me. How pathetic of me right? But that’s just how it goes for me ever since the day you left.

The reason I am writing this is for me to actually move on with my life. I know moving on isn’t about the lenght of time. Now, I know that moving on is the process of accepting – realizing you won’t be there anymore at 3 in the morning still on the phone singing silly songs and waking up not receiving ‘good morning texts’. Accepting the fact that by now, you are with somebody else and even if it breaks my heart into pieces, I have nothing else to do but to accept it. I hope those days you were with me was memorable in a way and I am sorry for all my shortcomings. Now that we are in our different paths, I hope that someday, when we bump into each other, I would be able to say “Hello” and actually feel nothing but happiness and contentment. Life is too short to have grudges! Life is so much beautiful to spread hate. So, I am writing this at 3-something in the morning bidding adieu to you, letting all the memories go – keeping the good ones and accepting everything has to move on. Thank you for the memories, stomach butterflies and lessons in life even if we’re just “Almost Lovers”. – Miel 🙂

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